I've been working with children and families for more than 15 years, and one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that there's probably no more powerful force for change in a child's life than their relationship with their parents.
When kids experience adversity, that relationship can be protective. I sometimes think of it as the raincoat and rubber boots in a thunderstorm. It doesn't make the storm go away, but it gives a child something to weather it.
And that's why, when I'm working with parents whose children are having significant behavioral problems, one of the first things I teach them is how to spend five minutes a day playing with their child.
I'm talking about parents whose kids are getting kicked out of daycare. Maybe they're on their second daycare, and mom or dad is worried that if they have to leave work one more time to pick their child up, they're going to lose their job.
Or the school keeps calling because their child is hitting other kids. Maybe their child can't make it through soccer practice without getting into trouble for pushing somebody, or they got kicked off the bus for the second time this week.
These are families dealing with real problems. They're stressed out. They're looking for ways to help their children. So why would I start by teaching them how to play?
In Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, or PCIT, we work with families to improve both the parent-child relationship and the child's behavior. PCIT is a structured, evidence-based treatment that includes weekly appointments, daily Special Play Time, and parent coaching. The first phase of treatment is focused on teaching parents Child-Directed Interaction skills to manage their child's behavior using positive attention. The crux of this phase of treatment is setting aside five minutes of daily Special Play Time—five minutes of child-led play that is intentionally designed to be positive, and most importantly, fun. The five minutes of Special Play Time is the secret sauce. In my experience as a PCIT therapist and trainer, it's the most important component of successful treatment. A 2016 study on Special Play Time frequency found that parents who practiced more frequently mastered parenting skills and completed treatment in fewer sessions.
Parents can practice Special Play Time on their own. It is important to know that five minutes of play is not the same as participating in PCIT. Research supporting PCIT's effectiveness, including a 2021 meta-analysis, is based on the full treatment, which includes live coaching from a trained therapist and both phases of treatment. Special Play Time is one component of that treatment (I argue the most important component), not a substitute for professional help when a child is experiencing significant behavioral difficulties—but it's a great place to start.
The second phase of PCIT is Parent-Directed Interaction, where parents learn to give productive directions and implement an effective, evidence-based, developmentally appropriate discipline strategy.
A lot of parents want to start with the second part. And it makes sense. They're noticing the weeds in the garden and thinking, "I've got to do weeding."
They want their child to listen. They want to give a direction without having to repeat it 10 times. They want to be able to go to the grocery store or pick their child up from school without another incident.
And I understand that. I also want parents to think about how much attention their child is already getting for doing things wrong.
Many of the kids I see are being corrected throughout the day. Some children with behavioral problems may hear many times a day what they're doing wrong. They're told to stop hitting, stop interrupting, keep their hands to themselves, follow directions, and quit bothering somebody.
Those corrections might be completely appropriate. I'm not suggesting parents should stop setting limits. But what happens when a child spends most of the day hearing about what they're doing wrong?
Some children may start to experience themselves as the kids who are always in trouble. They may internalize that they are bad or naughty. And the parent can start to see them that way, too.
One of the things we're trying to accomplish during Special Play Time is to flip the script!
Thirteen seconds of hitting
Here's an example I sometimes use when working with parents. Let's say I'm working with a child who hits somebody 13 times a day at their preschool. That's a lot of hitting. It can create serious problems at daycare, at school, and at home. I'm not minimizing it.
But think about how long it takes to hit somebody. About a second or less, right?
So if a child hits 13 times during the day, we're talking about roughly 13 seconds of hitting behavior. What was that child doing during the rest of the day? Well, most of the time they weren't hitting anybody.
Most of the day they were keeping their hands to themselves. They were playing appropriately. Maybe they were sharing toys, talking politely, or asking for help. And yet those 13 seconds can end up defining the child's entire day, or worse, how they see themselves.
They're the kid who hits. The kid who can't keep their hands to themselves. The kid who's always getting in trouble. This negative attribution of a child's behavior is an integral treatment target.
Everybody is paying attention to the hitting, and understandably so. But what if we got just as good at noticing all the time that child was being appropriate and well-behaved?
What if we gave them really high-quality attention for using gentle hands? For sharing? For asking for help when they were frustrated instead of pushing somebody?
That's part of what we're doing during Special Play Time. We're changing what gets our attention. We're not pretending the hitting doesn't matter. We're making sure the child's appropriate behavior matters, too.
Water the flowers
Another way I explain this to parents is to think of children like gardens.
Every garden has flowers and weeds. There are things you want to grow, and there are things you'd rather not have growing there.
Now, you could spend all your time figuring out the perfect way to pull every weed.
You could become really good at it.
But if you never water the flowers, you're probably not going to have much of a garden.
Parenting can work the same way.
We spend a lot of time thinking about how to stop behaviors we don't like. How do we stop the hitting? How do we stop the arguing? How do we get our child to listen?
Those are important questions.
But I also want parents thinking about what they want to grow.
Maybe it's a child who uses gentle hands. A child who asks for help when they're frustrated. A child who shares with their sibling or speaks respectfully to other people.
Those are the flowers.
And parental attention is one of the ways we water them.
I sometimes tell parents to shine their light on what they want to grow.
Special Play Time gives us five minutes each day to practice doing exactly that.
Stacking the deck
During Special Play Time, we try to create an interaction where the child is likely to be successful.
I call this stacking the deck.
We're choosing toys that are unlikely to create conflict. We're setting aside distractions. And we're giving the child an opportunity to lead the play while the parent practices noticing and responding to appropriate behavior.
I usually recommend things like blocks, crayons, toy animals, or building sets. Toys that let kids use their imagination without having to follow a lot of rules.
What I generally don't recommend are toys that encourage aggressive play.
Think about Nerf guns.
If your child is shooting you in the face with a Nerf dart, what are you supposed to say?
"Nice head shot?"
Probably not.
For a child who's already struggling with aggression, I don't need to create more opportunities to focus on hitting and fighting.
I want to create opportunities for that child to be successful.
If they're carefully building something, I can praise that. If they're sharing a toy, I can praise that. If they're getting frustrated and asking for help instead of throwing something, I can praise that.
We're setting things up so the parent has plenty of opportunities to notice the behaviors we want to see more often.
Follow your child's lead in play
One of the things that makes Special Play Time different from ordinary play is that the child gets to lead. This is harder for parents than they first expect. We're used to giving directions. We're used to teaching things. We're used to asking questions.
Even when we're playing with our kids, we might say, "Let's build a house," or "Why did you color the sky green?" During Special Play Time, we encourage parents to avoid commands, questions, and criticism. Now, that doesn't mean those things are bad in everyday parenting. Children need directions. If we never gave kids directions, they would never brush their teeth! Parents need to ask questions. And sometimes we absolutely need to correct behavior.
But for these five minutes, we're doing something different. If your child decides to put a cow on the roof of a toy barn, you don't need to explain that cows don't live on roofs. It's their barn. You can just notice what they're doing.
"You're putting the cow on top of the barn." Maybe they'll tell you the cow is flying. Maybe they'll decide the barn is actually a spaceship. Maybe the cow is a superhero saving the other barn animals. That's fine.
We're not trying to teach them about farm animals. We're giving them an opportunity to be creative and be seen for doing the right thing.
When I explain Special Play Time to parents, most understand why we're trying to avoid criticism or saying negative things about their child or their child's behavior. We're often giving them a "no" without a "go." At any given time, there are 100 things a child shouldn't be doing. Criticism only tells kids what not to do. Parents also often understand why we're avoiding commands during Special Play Time. After all, their child might not comply. If their kid doesn't listen, they're probably going to get frustrated, and suddenly these five minutes aren't fun for anyone.
But then we tell them not to ask questions, either.
That's usually when I get a puzzled look.
"I'm not supposed to ask questions? What am I supposed to do? Just sit there and be quiet?"
That's where the PRIDE skills come in. They're five strategies to give children positive attention. They're skills to water the garden, to shine your light on what you want to grow.
Praise: Tell your child exactly what they're doing well. "I like how gently you're playing with those animals." We call this a labeled praise because the child knows what they're doing that you like.
Reflect: Repeat or paraphrase your kid's appropriate talk. If they say, "My favorite color is orange," you might say, "Your favorite color is orange." It shows you're listening.
Imitate: Join your child's appropriate play by doing what they're doing. If they're building with blocks, you're building with blocks.
Describe: Think of yourself as a sports announcer. "You're putting the cow in the barn. Now you're building a fence." You're paying attention without directing the play; you're following their lead in play.
Enjoy: Smile, laugh, and let your child know you're having fun with them. You've probably heard the saying that people may forget what you said, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. I think that applies to children, too. During Special Play Time, we want children to feel that their parents genuinely enjoy being with them. Tell your kid they're fun to play with. Tell them it's the highlight of your day. Tell them you're looking forward to playing tomorrow. That's what makes these five minutes feel so special.
A word about ignoring behavior
Kids love attention, and attention can be a powerful reinforcer of behavior. When a behavior consistently gets attention, children may be more likely to repeat it. Ignoring certain minor, attention-seeking behaviors can be an excellent strategy to avoid inadvertently reinforcing them. Though some behaviors are maintained through attention, many are not.
When I talk about ignoring behavior during Special Play Time, I'm talking about minor, attention-maintained behaviors. Attention-maintained behaviors are behaviors that continue because of the attention they receive, sometimes called "attention-seeking." I find that term unnecessarily pejorative because it can imply there's something wrong with a child wanting attention. After all, children naturally crave attention from the people they love most.
We only want to ignore behaviors that are safe to ignore. Things like whining, making silly noises, or other mildly annoying behaviors that don't require a parent's intervention.
I'm certainly not suggesting parents ignore hitting, aggression, or dangerous behavior. Those behaviors need to be addressed. If a child starts hitting or throwing toys at somebody, we need to intervene and keep everyone safe.
The goal isn't to ignore our children. It's to be more intentional about which behaviors get our attention. We want to spend less time reacting to minor misbehavior and more time noticing all the things our children are doing well. We want to catch them being good.
Making it part of your day
Five minutes doesn't sound like much, but we want parents to be able to actually do this every day. That consistency is important. You might choose a time after dinner, before bath time, or when everyone gets home from school. The particular time isn't as important as finding something that works for your family.
Special Play Time should be one-on-one when possible, with a few appropriate toys available for your child to choose from. And we really do mean five minutes. When the five minutes are over, let your child know you enjoyed playing and that you'll do it again tomorrow.
What we're really trying to change
When parents come to me for help with their child's behavior, they want the hitting, arguing, and tantrums to stop. I want those things to stop, too. But I also want something else for that child.
I want them to experience themselves as a good kid. Someone who is gentle, kind, helpful, and caring. I want them to understand their parent believes that intrinsically, they are a good kid.
And I want parents to practice catching their kid being good. When you've spent the whole day managing difficult behavior, it's easy to lose sight of the things you enjoy about your child or overlook their good behavior.
Remember the garden. We still need to pull the weeds. We still need to set limits and address misbehavior. And we also need to water the flowers. And five minutes of really good play is an excellent way to begin strengthening the relationship between parents and children.
This article was first published on Featured News.