How Can You Help a Child With their First Experience of Loss?

When helping parents navigate their child's first experience of loss, I always advise them to be honest and age-appropriate in their explanations while offering consistent emotional support. Children often have many questions, and it's important to validate their feelings and answer in a way they can understand, even if the answers are difficult. For example, using clear, concrete language like, "Grandma died because her body stopped working," can help avoid confusion.

I also encourage parents to model healthy grief by showing their own emotions in a way that feels natural. This reassures the child that it's okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry. Finally, I remind parents to create space for ongoing conversations, as a child's understanding of loss evolves over time. By being present and patient, parents can help their child process grief and build resilience.

It can be incredibly hard to experience loss for the first time, particularly for a child. What I think is most helpful, as a child psychologist, is to make sure you address what has happened with the child in an age-appropriate way. Often, being concise and clear about death is helpful rather than avoiding the topic, brushing their questions aside, or forgetting to involve them in the grief-conversational process. Even young children will need to be informed and have their questions answered! Remember, every person copes with loss differently, and there are no 'right' ways to grieve.

It is vitally important to use accurate language when discussing loss with a child. Parents, understandably so, want to protect their child during such a difficult time and will use words like "They got sick," "They went to heaven," "They are no longer with us." Unfortunately, this most often causes confusion and fear. The child may worry now when they get sick or want to go to heaven to see this loved one. Instead, I recommend saying, "They died," "They are dead." It may be hard for a parent to say, as they may be grieving too. A parent can have another trusted adult clearly explain this to a child and answer their questions if a parent doesn't feel able right away. Or, I also encourage parents to share their feelings of sadness with their child. This normalizes the feelings and encourages a child to be able to feel and share these too if needed. Saying things like, "Mommy is crying and so sad because Aunt Rosie died and I miss her so much it hurts my heart." Children are perceptive and will know something is wrong. If it is not explained to them, they will misinterpret the sudden change in their parents' behavior and worry it is their fault or that they did something wrong. Clear, age-appropriate, and accurate communication is the best way to handle challenges within a family.

One piece of advice I would give to parents dealing with their child's first experience of loss is to create a safe space for open, age-appropriate conversations. It's important for parents to be honest about the loss while considering the child's emotional maturity.

Encourage the child to express their feelings, whether it's through words, drawings, or even play, depending on their age and comfort level. It's also crucial for parents to model emotional openness, showing that it's okay to grieve and feel a range of emotions. By acknowledging and validating the child's grief, parents help them understand that sadness, confusion, or even anger are natural responses to loss.

Parents should also reassure their child that it's okay not to have all the answers, and that grieving is a personal process that can look different for everyone. This approach fosters emotional resilience and helps children begin to process their grief in a healthy, supported way.

Ultimately, by providing a nurturing environment where feelings can be expressed without judgment, parents offer a foundation for healing and emotional growth.