How Can You Support a Child Through Parental Divorce?
Navigating the complexities of parental divorce can be challenging for children, which is why we've gathered seven strategies from experienced therapists and counselors. From creating a neutral separation story to projective interventions for expressing emotions, child and family therapy professionals, including Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists and Relationship & Family Counselors, share their top recommendations.
- Create a Neutral Separation Story
- Normalize and Validate Emotions
- Emotion Coach to Mitigate Conflict
- Use Art and Play Therapies
- Expand the Child's Support System
- Normalize Divorce Through Books
- Projective Interventions to Express Emotions
Create a Neutral Separation Story
Prepare a separation story. A separation story explains to children the reasons why their parents are not together in a neutral, non-blaming, and developmentally appropriate way, which prevents them from getting stuck in the middle of their parents' conflict. Without a separation story, children can imagine the worst-case scenario, and even worse, blame themselves for the separation. If exposed to a separation story that is blaming or judgmental, we are asking our children to choose between who the good parent is and who the bad parent is—no child wants to be in this position. Children want to love both parents equally.
Normalize and Validate Emotions
One strategy I typically recommend to support a child going through parental divorce is to normalize and validate their emotions surrounding the situation. Oftentimes, when children are in the middle of a divorce, they tend to blame themselves and think that it’s their fault, and then feel bad for having those feelings. When you normalize and validate these emotions, it gives the child additional space to process not only the feelings they have about the divorce but also the actual divorce and how their life will change once everything is finalized.
Emotion Coach to Mitigate Conflict
The number one indicator in the research about how well a child will cope with a parental divorce is how well parents keep them out of parental conflict. Since each parent can only control their own behavior, I strongly encourage each parent to become a strong Emotion Coach for their children. Dr. John Gottman found that when one parent Emotion Coaches their child during a divorce, those children have a significant decrease in the typical adverse outcomes many children experience because of parental divorce. Emotion coaching requires the parent to: 1) be aware of your child's emotions, 2) see emotion (and behavior) as an opportunity for closeness, 3) listen to understand your child's position, and validate their experience (without defending, correcting, or disciplining), 4) identify the emotion you perceive they are experiencing, 5) problem-solve if necessary.
The great thing about using this strategy is that Dr. Gottman found that children receive the same benefits even if only one parent was an Emotion Coach. This means that each parent can positively impact their child without having to worry about what the other parent is doing.
Use Art and Play Therapies
When working with children who are living through their parents' divorce, I often use a combination of art, play, and experiential therapies. It's so important to get those kiddos moving and talking to process and work through an uncomfortable situation. They need to be provided with a neutral and objective space where it's safe to talk freely about their thoughts and feelings without fear of upsetting either parent. Often, children experiencing divorce feel like they're stuck in the middle or being forced to choose sides. One of the most helpful things parents can do for them is to make sure there's that established space where their personal process is welcome.
Expand the Child's Support System
One of the most impactful things you can do to support a child or teen who's going through a divorce in their family is to simply expand and enrich their support system. A healthy support system is a powerful way to buffer the impacts of divorce and gives them a meaningful sense of stability, which is critical during a time when they experience so much of their 'norm' changing. Enriching an existing support system can look like setting up more regular times for the child to connect with extended family (either in person or over the phone/FaceTime) or spending time at a trusted family friend's home. Expanding a support system may look like joining a new club or local volunteer activity, meeting with a mentor or favorite teacher, or starting to meet with a therapist. Increasing the social support and connection with other trusted adults and friends demonstrates the important life lesson of leaning on others during difficult times.
Normalize Divorce Through Books
When I begin to see kids going through a divorce, I usually start by reading a book like 'Dinosaurs Divorce' to normalize some of the language and events associated with divorce, or 'Sesame Street's Two-Hug Day,' in order to reframe transition days between homes in a positive light. If the child has already been going back and forth, I use a fun worksheet and ask questions about each house, like who lives there (including pets), what the rules are, what fun things the child does there, and what their favorite and least favorite things are about living or visiting there. I then use this information within the co-parenting relationship, attempting to make the child's experiences at each home have some similarities and crossovers. It's beneficial for children to have parents who are on the same page about bedtime routines, diets, discipline, and the like. Overall, the biggest goal of therapy is to provide a child with an outlet to talk about the divorce and changes openly, without fear of retribution or of hurting one parent's feelings.
Projective Interventions to Express Emotions
As a child and adolescent psychologist, the divorce of parents is a pretty common concern in therapy. I prefer to utilize more projective interventions, such as play, drawing, picking music to play, etc., that allow the child to express their emotions in ways that don't require turning their feelings or reactions into language. The reality is that children and teens experience a wide range of emotions related to parental separation; many of these are feelings which they aren't sure how to put into words or aren't sure they are 'allowed' to voice (even things like anger or relief). Giving permission to explore feelings without having to use language and without being judged opens the door for children and adolescents to explore their reactions to all stages of the parental separation fully.
