I successfully raised three children while working remotely for over 20 years. My youngest is now 13 years old. For nearly a decade, I also cared for a parent with vascular dementia until his passing earlier this year.
Those few sentences describe my place in the sandwich generation. That statement does very little to explain the juggle of caring for loved ones at very different stages of life while trying to maintain my sanity, let alone a career. I have deep respect for anyone in this situation. I can attest to the fact that this will, in fact, challenge you. I can also tell you that this experience has made me a stronger person.
As my children have grown, they've needed me in different ways. Meanwhile, my father's needs increased substantially as his vascular dementia progressed. Somewhere between those changing needs, there is work to do, a career to build, bills to pay and a person, like myself, who needs some breathing room.
Remote or part-time work made a difference
Working remotely (for decades thankfully) allowed me the opportunity to raise my children while continuing to work. Working from home gave me flexibility that would have been much harder to find with a daily commute.
That extra time in my day made a huge difference for me. Full-time work took the back burner and my part-time work paid the bills and allowed me the flexibility to handle the daily hiccups, struggles, and needs of my father, my kids and sometimes my own health. Working from home and working part time still means working — working hard. Deadlines are still deadlines, and work still needs to be done. Sometimes I have felt like I was so fortunate, that I needed more to prove, so I worked longer and harder.
For a caregiver, the workday also exists alongside family needs that do not always fit neatly into a calendar. Being nearby can help, but it does not offer another set of hands or add more hours into the day. Each day felt like a race to accomplish the laundry list of appointments and tasks while ensuring everyone was "happy."
When people talk about remote work, they often focus on convenience. For me, working remotely made my career possible alongside raising my family. As caregiving responsibilities grow, flexibility becomes even more vital.
The responsibility follows you into the workday
Much of the conversation about caregiving focuses on the tasks. There are appointments, arrangements, decisions and daily needs — and don't forget emergencies. I remember spending each Sunday just dreading how I would fit in the two to three visits a week with my father to ensure he was ok, calling him at night to ensure he took his medication, asking for time off for his medical appointments and so on. I also had this intense dread when I went to sleep at night because I just never knew what phone call would awaken me. Would he fall again? Would he call with a crazy story that made no sense and I would have to calm him down? I lay awake most nights recounting my days with him with sadness as I witnessed him lose his ability to remember who people were, where he lived and how to groom himself.
Caring for a parent with advanced dementia adds an emotional weight that a schedule cannot fully capture. You are helping someone you love whose abilities and needs are continually evolving. You are witnessing someone lose their ability to do things they once loved. You are watching them lose their "spark." That burden does not disappear when you open your laptop. You have to refocus and get your work done.
At the same time, a 13-year-old still needs a parent, as did my older children. Raising children does not end when they start getting older. Their needs change, and being present still matters. Sometimes even more. Teenagers need rides. They need parents at their games. They need your help with daily struggles still.
This is where the juggle becomes difficult to explain. You may have enough time to complete a task and still feel stretched by everything else you are responsible for. An open hour on a calendar does not always mean an available hour of energy. It means you can breathe for an hour and gear up for what’s next.
Wanting a career still matters
Caregiving can take up so much space that your career goals start to feel like something foreign to you. You yearn to work and have an identity beyond mom, daughter, wife and friend.
A career can provide income and a sense of identity beyond the people you care for. Those things have value and offer a distraction, including during years when family responsibilities are especially demanding.
There may be seasons when career growth looks different. There were years where I had to reconsider my hours and pace. For the final years with my Dad, my career was stalled as he became the priority. Bills could wait because I knew my time with him was limited. I was thankful for that time with him, but I was barely keeping my head above water in so many ways.
Support has to work on an ordinary Tuesday
For employers, I encourage you to support your caregivers by starting with clear expectations and honest conversations about how work gets done. Give consideration to each situation individually. Ask questions and offer flexibility.
Which hours require consistent availability? What needs to happen live, and what can be handled during off-hours? If something interrupts the day, what is the plan for communicating and covering urgent work?
Have a firm plan in place for when "life happens." Managers can ask what would help without expecting someone to share every private detail of a parent’s illness or a child’s needs.
Flexibility should also extend to development. An employee who needs an adjusted schedule may still want to be challenged, to be considered for promotions and so on. Don’t assume that because they are asking for a part-time schedule or more remote days that they aren’t as serious about their career path. It just means they are juggling a lot and trying to make the best of it.
Making room for the person doing the caring
Raising three children while working remotely and caring for an aging parent has given me a different perspective on what it means to sustain a career. It is a rollercoaster that you know you are on and just have to ride it out.
The sandwich generation deserves a place in the conversation about careers. Many of us are trying to keep contributing professionally through years of substantial responsibility at home. We need room to remain caregivers, parents and people with a future of our own.
This article was first published on Featured News.